"'Steading of the Hill Giant Chief" by Mike Russo

[Presented without comment or excuse.  Feel free to drop me a line if you'd like an explanation, though]

Laboratory is a room.  Axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap is in laboratory.  cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion is in laboratory.  armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry is in laboratory. stone stairs etc scenery window bed cushion cushions wall ceiling walls floor floors is in laboratory.

Instead of looking:
	Say "[line break][bold type][laboratory][roman type][line break]";
	If the printed name of Laboratory is "Laboratory":
		say "You sweep into your laboratory in high dudgeon.  Now that the wizard's guild has accepted you as a full member and your former mistress left you her old tower and retired, you should be well on your way to a glittering adventuring career.  But this is the fourth time you and your fellows have been rebuffed from raiding the hold of that perfidious giantling![paragraph break]You wring your sleeve to try to get the last of the blood out.  No, you're not beaten -- surely this time you'll succeed in bringing down the steading of the hill giant chief!  You just need some new strategem.[paragraph break]Hmmm.  'Steading.'  Now there's an idea...  You've been going about this all wrong.  Instead of bemoaning their giantish constitution, you should be planning a giantish [italic type]substitution[roman type].[paragraph break]";
		Say "(New players should type JUMP for information about this game).[paragraph break]";
		Say "A mage's laboratory says a lot about them.  This one says 'I'm still unpacking.'  There'll be tapestries and rugs and glittering prizes galore once you complete your first adventure, of course, but for now it's a lot of bare stone, with only your second-best cauldron, a shelf of ingredients, and your cookbook slash grimoire providing anything by way of decoration or functionality.[paragraph break]An archway leads north to the armory, and another to the east goes to your bedchamber.  The stairs down await whenever you decide to take another run at the giants.";
		Now the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory ";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory ":
		Say "A mage's laboratory says a lot about them.  This one says 'I'm still unpacking.'  There'll be tapestries and rugs and glittering prizes galore once you complete your first adventure, of course, but for now it's a lot of bare stone, with only your second-best cauldron, a shelf of ingredients, and your cookbook slash grimoire providing anything by way of decoration or functionality.[paragraph break]An archway leads north to the armory, and another to the east goes to your bedchamber.  The stairs down await whenever you decide to take another run at the giants.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Armory":
		Say "'Armory' sounds much better than 'rubbish-bin' so that's what you've decided to call this nook.  The other members of your adventuring party are just as new at the game as you are, and since they haven't decided which weapons to specialize in yet, they keep trying different ones on for size.  As the only person in the group with a bit of property to their name, it's fallen to you to store the accumulated implements of violence while they make up their mind.[paragraph break]You'd mounted the first few up on specially-constructed racks, but were unable to keep up with the pace of your compatriots['] indecisiveness -- not to mention you're pretty sure the local blacksmith gets drunk and invents a new polearm about once a week -- so now all the axes, bows, swords, darts, spears, bardiches, glaives, and so on just lie in an extraordinarily dangerous heap.[paragraph break]You don't come in here much, and in fact you already have one foot out the southern archway, back to the lab.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber":
		Say "Your soft bed is full of cushions and welcoming indeed after the pummeling that ogre gave you, but you'll never make the Circle of Eight if you just crawl into it and cry after every setback (you've been limiting yourself to every third setback).[paragraph break]The armoire you inherited from your mistress keeps itself to itself in the corner";  
		if the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted":
			Say ".  The laboratory does it one better by staying down the hall to the west.";
		Otherwise:
			Say ".  The cat you likewise inherited has no such sense of restraint; as you enter it comes over and rubs against your ankles.  Fortunately the smell from the cauldron usually prevents it from following you back west to the laboratory." 
		
Instead of going:
	If the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory " and the noun is north:
		Now the printed name of laboratory is "Armory";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Armory" and the noun is south:
		Now the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory ";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory " and the noun is east:
		Now the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber" and the noun is west:
		Now the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory ";
		If the player does not carry the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted":
			Say "Wanting to avoid any accidents in the laboratory, you plop the cat back on the floor before exiting.";
		Otherwise if the player does not carry the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
			Say "Wanting to avoid any accidents in the laboratory, you stow the long, sweeping cloak back in the armoire before exiting.";
		If the player does not carry the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, now the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry is "";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory " and the noun is down:
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player carries the cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion and the player carries the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap: 
			Say "You pause at the top of the stairs and check your equipment: you have a cloak (well, a cloak plus a cat) of forbidding aspect, a weapon of wicked aspect, and most importantly, a potion to blow you up to hill-giant height.  Yes, this is everything you need to pretend to be their chieftan: you'll be able to order them around, sneak behind their defenses, and finally crack that steading open like an egg (assuming that the egg is full of treasure).  It's the beginning of what's sure to be a long and glorious adventuring career![paragraph break](So long as you don't ever wind up having to take on any frost giants --you're allergic, it'd be a bad scene).";
			End the story finally saying "Maybe read the source code now?";
			Say "" instead;
		Otherwise:
			say "That way lies your tower's front door and, by extension, the path back to the hill giants -- you're definitely not ready to face them again (at least not yet)." instead;
	Otherwise:
		Say "You can't go that way." instead;
	Try looking.

Instead of doing something other than entering to the stone stairs etc scenery window bed cushion cushions wall ceiling walls floor floors:
	Say "You can't be bothered with that right now."

Instead of doing something to armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry when the printed name of laboratory is not "Bedchamber" and the player does not carry the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	Say "You don't see anything like that here."

Instead of examining the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks/cat/furry":
		Say "A voluminous cloak is wrapped around your thin frame, and the the cat snuggled up against the nape of your neck makes for a regal, furry ruff.";
	Otherwise if the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player's command includes "armoire/closet" and the printed name of laboratory is not "Bedchamber":
		Say "You don't see anything like that here.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber" and player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
		Say "There's nothing else in the armoire that'd be appropriate to bring to a hill giant shindig.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "armoire/closet" and the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
		Say "There's nothing else in the armoire that'd be appropriate to bring to a hill giant shindig.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked" and the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks":
		Say "The cloak nestled about your shoulders combines crude stitching with a rich fabric, but it's not quite fancy enough to be fit for giantish royalty.  A draft from the window shivers across your neck, and you realize it's not that warm, either.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "armoire/closet/cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks":
		Say "You rifle open the armoire and assess the various dresses, cloaks, and mantles therein.  There's one cloak that's rustic enough that it might be steading-appropriate, though it doesn't especially scream 'chieftan' (maybe there's a spell for that?)";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cat/furry cat/--" and the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted": 
		Say "There's a cat nestled against the back of your neck.  Great.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cat/furry cat/--": 
		Say "You're not a cat person, but for whatever reason it seems to like you."
		
Instead of opening the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks/cat/furry":
		Say "You're not really sure how to accomplish that -- maybe a Knock spell?  You quickly put the thought from your mind.";
	Otherwise if the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player's command includes "armoire/closet" and the printed name of laboratory is not "Bedchamber":
		Say "You don't see anything like that here.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
		Say "There's nothing else in the armoire that'd be appropriate to bring to a hill giant shindig.";
	Otherwise:
		Say "You rifle through the armoire and assess the various dresses, cloaks, and mantles therein.  There's one cloak that's rustic enough that it might be steading-appropriate, though it doesn't especially scream 'chieftan' (maybe there's a spell for that?)"
				
Instead of closing the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player's command includes "armoire/closet":
		Say "It's already closed.";
	Otherwise:
		Say "You can't (or shouldn't) close that."

Instead of taking the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player's command includes "armoire/closet":
		If the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber", say "You try to remember how the hill giant chief stood, the last time you saw him -- no, you're pretty sure he didn't have a hernia, so best not to try lifting that." instead;
		Otherwise:
			say "You don't see anything like that." instead;
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cat/furry cat/--":
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, say "The cat's already firmly ensconced where he is." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted": 
			say "Given how deeply the cat's sinking his claws into your shoulder, you don't need to do anything else to secure him." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "bepetted":
			Say "You bend down, burble some nonsense at the cat, then scoop him up.  He quickly decamps for your shoulders, sinking his claws in extra deep either out of caution or dislike.";
			Let X be "[printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry]";
			Now the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry is "[x], becatted";
			If the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
				Say "[line break]The cat sees your bare neck peeking out above the cloak and decides that's the place for him -- he gives a nimble hop and wraps himself around your windpipe.  Uncomfortable as it is, the snuggled-up cat makes it look like the cloak's got a magnificent fur ruff.  Surely no other hill giant could compare with your new sartorial splendor! You're a little worried about how you'll be able to pronounce some of the trickier verbal components of your spells with a cat's tail for a choker, though.";
				Now the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You make a grab for the cat, but despite his friendliness he doesn't currently seem to trust you enough to put his fate in your hands.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks":
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, say "You're already wearing that." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
			say "You're already wearing that." instead;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You grab that one promising cloak and wrap it around you.  It could pass for giant workmanship, but it lacks that certain touch of upper-management elegance.";
			Let X be "[printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry]";
			Now the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry is "[x], becloaked";
			If the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted":
				Say "[line break]The cat sees your bare neck peeking out above the cloak and decides that's the place for him -- he gives a nimble hop and wraps himself around your windpipe.  Uncomfortable as it is, the snuggled-up cat makes it look like the cloak's got a magnificent fur ruff.  Surely no other hill giant could compare with your new sartorial splendor! You're a little worried about how you'll be able to pronounce some of the trickier verbal components of your spells with a cat's tail for a choker, though.";
				Now the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry.
			
Instead of dropping the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player's command includes "armoire/closet":
		If the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber", say "You're not carrying that (thankfully)." instead;
		Otherwise:
			say "You don't see anything like that." instead;
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cat/furry cat/--":
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, say "Now that you've got the sartorial element of your disguise sorted, you're loath to restart the process.  Besides, you admit to yourself, it's kind of nice to feel his warm fluffiness nestled up against you." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted": 
			say "Given how deeply the cat's sinking his claws into your shoulder right now, that's easier said than done." instead;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You'd have to fetch him up before you can put him down.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks":
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, say "Now that you've got the sartorial element of your disguise sorted, you're loath to restart the process." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
			say "Oh, it feels kind of nice, why not just leave it on for now?" instead;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You're not wearing anything like that at the moment.";
			
Instead of wearing the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	Try taking the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry.

Instead of taking off the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	Try dropping the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry.

Instead of rubbing the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player's command includes "armoire/closet":
		If the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber", say "You get a splinter." instead;
		Otherwise:
			say "You don't see anything like that." instead;
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cat/furry cat/--":
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, say "You give the cat a begrudging pet." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted": 
			say "You give the cat a strong pet, half-hoping it'll dislodge him from his perch." instead;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You give the cat a mercenary scratch or two behind his ears, and he becomes even more enamored of your shins.";
			Let X be "[printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry]";
			Now the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry is "[x], bepetted";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks":
		Say "Ooh, nice material." instead.
		
Instead of touching the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
	If the player's command includes "armoire/closet":
		If the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber", say "You get a splinter." instead;
		Otherwise:
			say "You don't see anything like that." instead;
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cat/furry cat/--":
		If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry, say "You give the cat a begrudging pet." instead;
		Otherwise if the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted": 
			say "You give the cat a strong pet, half-hoping it'll dislodge him from his perch." instead;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You give the cat a mercenary scratch or two behind his ears, and he becomes even more enamored of your shins.";
			Let X be "[printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry]";
			Now the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry is "[x], bepetted";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cloak/mantle/mantles/dress/dresses/cloaks":
		Say "Ooh, nice material." instead.

Instead of doing something to the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap when the printed name of laboratory is not "Armory" and the player does not carry the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
	Say "You don't see anything like that here."

Instead of examining axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
	If the player carries axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Say "Of all the weapons you've amassed in your armory, you've certainly picked one." instead;
	Say "There's far too many weapons here to take in individually, so you just assess them in categories: pointy ones, slashing ones, bludgeoning ones, ones you could use to open a beer bottle if you had to, ones that have actually shed any goblinoid blood (surely you've got one or two of those here somewhere)."

Instead of taking axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
	If the player carries axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Say "You feel satisfied with your choice of weapon." instead;
	If the player's command includes "bow/bows/arrow/arrows/dart/darts":
		Say "Now that you think of it, that doesn't seem like an especially giantish choice of weapon." instead;
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "axe/axes":
		Now the printed name of axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap is "a wicked axe";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "sword/swords":
		Now the printed name of axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap is "a sharp sword";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "bardiche/bardiches/polearm/polearms/spear/spears/implements/glaive/glaives/dangerous/heap heap/--":
		Now the printed name of axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap is "some kind of over-engineered polearm";
	Say "You gingerly pick up [axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap] and stow it over your shoulder.";
	Now the player carries the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap.

Instead of dropping axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
	If the player carries axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Say "You feel satisfied with your choice of weapon." instead;
	Otherwise:
		Say "You're not carrying anything like that."

Instead of doing anything to cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion when printed name of laboratory is not "Laboratory ":
	Say "You don't see anything like that here."

Instead of examining cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
	If the player carries the cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Say "Now that you've got the potion of enlarge person completed, you're relieved that you don't need to do any more alchemical fussing about.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cookbook/book/tome/grimoire":
		Say "[one of]You leaf through the book's recipes.  Here's one:[paragraph break][italic type]Potion of Feather Fall[paragraph break]Take ye Powder of new-dead Autumnal leaves, then mix together with ye burning-ash from ye feather of ye Ostrich, and dissolve together with ...[paragraph break][roman type]Ugh, that annoying dinner-theater patois the grimoire's author puts on annoys you every time -- that's what you get for buying second-hand.  Anyway, feather falling would have been marginally helpful two tries ago, when that giant threw you clear out of the steading, but it's not exactly the game-changer you're hoping for.  Maybe there's something else in here?[or]You keep going.[paragraph break][italic type]Potion of Shield[paragraph break]Fashion ye a Poppet in ye Female shape, then wrap ye doll thrice about with ye living Eels...[paragraph break][roman type]No.  Just no.  Besides, it's not even eel season for another three months.[or]Ah, here we are:[paragraph break][italic type]Potion of Enlarge Person:[paragraph break]Put ye a measure of Mustard seed in ye cauldron, then add ye Stinger of a bee.  Push ye cauldron to and Fro to mix; then Decant ye potion and drink to Embiggen yeself to ye extravagant proportion.[paragraph break][roman type]Yes, that sounds like just the thing -- and even better, you think you have all the ingredients you'll need.[stopping]";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "second/best/second-best/cauldron cauldron/--":
		Say "It's black and you can put a lot of stuff into it, like a portable hole (hauling it up all those stairs was murder on your back, though, since unlike a portable hole it's quite heavy).[paragraph break]As for your first-best cauldron, your therapist has advised you not to dwell on what happened to it anymore.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "feather/ostrich/leaf/leaves/autumn/autumnal/poppet/eel/eels feather/leaf/leaves/--":
		Say "You shuffle through the ingredients on your shelf -- no, you don't have anything like that on hand.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "shelf/ingredient/ingredient/vial/vials/potion":
		Say "You bought a wholesale lot of alchemy equipment off the estate of some poor sod who looked at the Tomb of Horrors and thought 'yeah, I feel lucky.'  It's got most of what you need for most things.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "mustard/seed seed/--":
		Say "You don't so much have mustard seeds so much as a jar of mustard, but that should still, as they say, cut the mustard (dumb jokes are your way of coping with the hideous risks of freestyle alchemy).";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "bee/bee's/sting/stinger sting/stinger/--":
		If the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bebeed":
			Say "The stinger's gone to make the potion.";
		Otherwise:
			Say "You don't even want to think about how it got in there, but yes, that's the greater part of a bee's butt glistening away at the bottom of a glass vial."
		
Instead of taking cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
	If the player carries cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Say "Now that you've got the potion you don't need to mess about with the alchemcial apparatuses any more.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "cookbook/book/tome/grimoire":
		Say "Hauling around your spellbook all day is already putting you on the glide path to early-onset arthritis -- best leave the grimoire be, you can read it just as easily [italic type]in situ[roman type].";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "second/best/second-best/cauldron/vial/vials/potion cauldron/--":
		Say "Once you've finish the potion, you typically just put some in a vial -- schlepping the whole cauldron around seems surplus to requirements.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "feather/ostrich/leaf/leaves/autumn/autumnal/poppet/eel/eels feather/leaf/leaves/--":
		Say "You shuffle through the ingredients on your shelf -- no, you don't have anything like that on hand.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "shelf/ingredient/ingredient":
		Say "Alchemy, in your experience, proceeds best if pursued in a one-at-a-time fashion.";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "mustard/seed seed/--":
		If the player carries cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
			Say "Now that you've got the potion brewed up, there's no need to slop more mustard about (besides, you'll want to save some for dinner).";
		Otherwise if the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bemustarded":
			Say "It's a bit hard to judge the quantities, but you think there's enough mustard in there already.";
		Otherwise:
			Say "You squeeze a generous dollop of mustard into the cauldron, stirring rapidly to free the seeds from the... other stuff that goes in mustard (it's mostly oil, right?  That should just burn off, this will be fine!)";
			Let X be "[cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee]";
			Now the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion is "[x], bemustarded";
	Otherwise if the player's command includes "bee/bee's/sting/stinger sting/stinger/--":
		If the player carries cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
			Say "You just had the one stinger, for good or ill.";
		Otherwise if the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bebeed":
			Say "You just had the one stinger, for good or ill.";
		Otherwise if the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bemustarded":
			Say "Gingerly -- oh so gingerly -- you tamp the stinger out into the cauldron, and give it a cautious mixing.";
			Let X be "[cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee]";
			Now the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion is "[x], bebeed";
		Otherwise:
			Say "You're not going to be messing with a bee's stinger until you have to."

Instead of pushing something:
	If the player's command includes "cauldron/second/second-best cauldron/best/-- cauldron/--":
		If the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bepushed":
			Say "You've already sloshed it over pretty far that direction.";
		Otherwise if the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bebeed":
			Say "Now that the ingredients are in the cauldron, you give it a solid nudge to get everything mixing.";
			Let X be "[cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee]";
			Now the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion is "[x], bepushed";
		Otherwise:
			Say "You push at the cauldron and set the liquid within to eddying.  It's less than edifying.";
	Otherwise:
		Say "You're already pushing your luck by taking on those giants again; maybe don't push anything else unless you've got a good reason."
		
Instead of pulling something:
	If the player's command includes "cauldron/second/second-best cauldron/best/-- cauldron/--":
		If the printed name of cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion matches the text "bepushed":
			Say "You grip the cauldron and wrench it back, completing the mixing process.  The liquid takes on the unmistakable sheen of enchantment, and in triumph, you dip in a vial and cork it.  You're looking forward to seeing eye-to-eye with those giants!";
			Now the player carries the cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee;
		Otherwise:
			Say "You pull the cauldron's rim towards you, spilling some of the unindentiable-but-presumably-magical liquid inside on your clothes.";
	Otherwise:
		Say "Tug-of-war is not a game that's best played solo."

Instead of eating something:
	Try drinking the noun.
	
Instead of drinking something:
	If the noun is cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion and the player carries the cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Say "The only possibly-magical thing going near your mouth anytime soon is the enlarge person potion, and you'll wait until you're closer to the steading to do that." instead;
	Say "No, you're not going to try that -- the only thing worse than being pummeled by giants is being pummeled by giants with a mouth full of cold sores."

Instead of inserting something into something:
	If the noun is the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
		Say "You'll put it back when you're done." instead;
	Otherwise if the noun is the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
		Say "You'll put it back when you're done." instead;
	If the noun is the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap and the player carries the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Say "There's no need to stick that anywhere (hopefully that will remain true even after you revisit the steading)." instead;
	If the noun is cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion and the player carries the cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Say "You can mess around with the alchemy equipment later, now that you've got the potion you need." instead;
	Say "Better take it step by step and just take the thing first."

Instead of putting something on something:
	If the noun is the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
		Say "You'll put it back when you're done." instead;
	Otherwise if the noun is the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
		Say "You'll put it back when you're done." instead;
	If the noun is the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap and the player carries the axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Say "There's no need to stick that anywhere (hopefully that will remain true even after you revisit the steading)." instead;
	If the noun is cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion and the player carries the cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Say "You can mess around with the alchemy equipment later, now that you've got the potion you need." instead;
	Say "Better take it step by step and just take the thing first."

Instead of examining the player:
	Say "Your mistress used to say that you're so scrawny, you're just one day of dieting away from being a lich (of course, that jibe doesn't land quite as hard as it used to now that she's gone bone-y herself).  ";
	If the player carries cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Say "The potion will buff you up in a hurry, though.  ";
	If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
		Say "A lovely, fur-ruffed cloak lends you a regal air, ";
	Otherwise:
		Say "Your threadbare clothing wouldn't impress the puniest giant, ";
	If the player carries axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Say "while the vicious weapon across your shoulder holds a tantilizing promise of violence.";
	Otherwise:
		Say "and you lack any weapon or other implement of destruction."
	
Instead of taking inventory:
	Let L be a list of texts;
	If the player carries the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry:
		Add "a regally rustic cloak with a feline ruff" to L;
	if the player does not carry the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becatted":
		Add "a clingy cat" to L;
	if the player does not carry the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the printed name of the armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry matches the text "becloaked":
		Add "a plain cloak" to L;
	If the player carries axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap:
		Add "[printed name of axe axes sword swords bardiche bardiches polearm polearms spear spears implements bow bows arrow arrows dart darts glaive glaives dangerous heap]" to L;
	If the player carries cookbook book second best second-best cauldron ingredients ingredient vial vials shelf tome grimoire feather ostrich leaf leaves autumn autumnal poppet eel eels mustard seed sting stinger bee potion:
		Add "a mustard-colored potion of enlarge person" to L;
	If L is empty, say "You are empty-handed." instead;
	Say "You are carrying:[line break]";
	Repeat with N running from 1 to number of entries in L:
		Say "      [entry N of L][line break]".

Instead of jumping:
	say "[']Steading of the Hill Giant Chief was written by Mike Russo in a week, as an entry in the Bad IF Jam.  Please note that the initial apostrophe appended to the beginning of the title, and elegantly added to the cover image via MS Paint, mean that everything is Fair Use and quite legally distinct from the DnD module Steading of the Hill Chief, by Gary Gygax with cover art by David C. Sutherland III.[paragraph break]This game uses only the default Inform actions -- which is why you're reading this text after typing JUMP rather than ABOUT.  As a result, some puzzles may be harder to solve than they'd otherwise be; there are also some details of implementation that mean the game may behave oddly if certain commands are used.  Those excited for a true Bad IF experience are encouraged to mess around (I've also released the game with testing commands enabled, which may help extricate you from any pitfalls you encounter, or might just make things worse), but you can type LISTEN if you'd like slightly spoilery details that might make for a smoother experience if you're trying to play the game straight.[paragraph break]Finally, there are puzzles, such as they are, and if you need help with them, you can WAIT in each different room to get a fairly explicit hint about what to do there.[paragraph break]The place where you found this game hopefully also included its source code, which is an integral part of the Bad IF Jam package; if you're conversant with Inform, it might be worth a perusal after you've finished playing."; 
	
Instead of listening:
	Say "As mentioned, only default actions and their built-in vocabulary are implemented in this game.  In particular, that means that PET/PAT are not available in a place where their use might seem intuitive; it would be worth trying TOUCH or RUB instead.[paragraph break]The use of ALL (e.g. TAKE ALL, DROP ALL) may lead to strange behavior; so too might using pronouns to refer to objects rather than their actual names (e.g. X ARMOIRE.  OPEN IT).  Again, whether you'll use this information to play the game straight or try to foment chaos is entirely in your hands."

Instead of waiting:
	If the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory ":
		Say "Your goal here is to make a potion of enlarge person.  Instructions are in the grimoire, if you keep reading through it.  You can TAKE the relevant ingredients to add them to the cauldron, then PUSH and PULL to mix everything together.  Once you've done that -- and finished everything else you need to do in the tower -- you can go down the stairs and end the game.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Armory":
		Say "You need to get a giant-appropriate weapon here; no need to overthing things.";
	Otherwise if the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber":
		Say "You need to make sure you look the part of a giant chieftan.  There's a plausible cloak in the armoire -- you can just TAKE it -- but it's lacking that certain [italic type]je ne sais quoi[roman type].  The [italic type]quoi[roman type] is the cat; RUB it to pet it and then just TAKE it to complete the outfit."


Instead of looking under something:
	Say "Your lower back is sore enough after the thumping you got from that half-ogre, there's no bending down in your future anytime soon."
	
Instead of searching:
	Say "There's not enough stuff cluttering up the place yet for that level of invasive investigation to be required."

Instead of opening something:
	Say "You can't (or probably shouldn't) open that."
	
Instead of closing something:
	Say "You can't (or probably shouldn't) close that."

Instead of entering something:
	If the noun is stone stairs etc scenery window bed cushion cushions wall ceiling walls floor floors and the player's command includes "bed/cushion/cushions" and the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber":
		Try sleeping instead;
	Otherwise if the noun is stone stairs etc scenery window bed cushion cushions wall ceiling walls floor floors and the player's command includes "stairs" and the printed name of laboratory is "Laboratory ":
		Try going down instead;
	Otherwise if the noun is armoire closet cloak mantle mantles dress dresses cloaks cat furry and the player's command includes "armoire/closet":
		Say "The last person who tried that wound up in Narnia and ran afoul of a lion -- no thanks.";
	Otherwise:
		Say "You don't want to go into that."

Instead of sleeping:
	If the printed name of laboratory is "Bedchamber":
		Say "Your bed is tempting, but you've got too much to do (and you don't want to get blood on the cushions).";
	Otherwise:
		Say "What, here?"